Losing the game

Bacochiem is built on a foundation of hope and optimism. Social traps are hazardous, and a girl can be sold into sex trafficking just because her family and neighbors don’t think that it's not such a bad thing to sell your daughter off like that. Bacochiem operates under the belief that these girls must have a desire to aspire and also the means to fulfill those aspirations. Still, we have to be honest. Of the over 30 girls we work with, we won’t succeed with every each one.

Today, I want to share to you about one such loss and that feeling when you know the momentum in the struggle is slipping from your hands.

#1. Tien* (name changed)

Tien is one of four em’s that are 15 years old and should be in high school now. I am generally impressed that she made it past middle school, but she is a bit of a nerd. She struggles in one subject, but she receives frequent commendations from her school for high achievement in other subjects.

As is the case with nearly all the households in our program, the mother has a history with work in the red lights. She lives with her mother and her stepfather in a duplex hut hidden in the riverside alleyways of the Long Xuyen. It is really hard to understand who else in the house is related to her, because these neighborhoods are so chaotic and fluid that the flow of people is difficult to track. When I visited, it appeared that the other house was full of the younger female relatives who were “still in the industry”.

Her mother has quit working. When prompted for her reasons, she pulls out a very recent doctor’s note that diagnoses her with “kidney water retention”. The stepfather and mother have fights that last up to a week, to the point he will come home from work many times a day just to continue arguing.

Besides her illness, Tien’s mother accrues a lot of debt and pays her debt by borrowing from others at a higher interest. This policy also applies to Tien’s tuition. The school loaned the money to the mother, but it only added to this pile of debt that the mother seems to assume will just go away someday [note: you might guess what her willing and rapid accumulation of debt may be foreshadowing].

Tien’s school is willing to start again with her and forgive the previous loans. Tien’s homeroom teacher has even made house visits to discuss Tien’s frequent absence. Alas, Tien’s mother just makes empty promises and encouragement in front of the teacher and in front of us. I begin to think that she allowed Tien to join Bacochiem because she thought she could get money from us. I begin to question the doctor’s note. I begin to question if Tien can succeed if she is living in this environment.

I asked Tien to write me a letter to tell me her personal ambitions and motivations. When Nhu Hoa, the program manager, asked her what she wanted in her life, she could only think of working to help her mother. Her stepsister next door says it’s pointless for her to study when Tien can just say home and take care of the house and the little children.

As Nhu Hoa left their house, Tien biked alongside and kept pestering Nhu Hoa. Tien was so afraid to let her family choose her work, she inadvertently ended up biking over a kilometer just to try to convince Nhu Hoa to help her find a job. We wonder if we wasted five months of trying to undo 15 years of everything she's been taught.

This was September, and Tien has now decided to drop out of school completely. Ngan, her chi volunteer, has agreed to continue to mentor Tien as a way of keeping tabs on her life to see where she goes. We hold onto the hope that she will at least pursue vocational school, but pressure from her family to not stay in school is high.

We eventually have to make the decision that we cannot invest too much of our resources to fight for Tien. We concede to the market forces still more powerful than us.

I highlighted our one failure in the program. Overall, our program is accomplishing amazing things in neighborhoods, classrooms, and in these girls (Both chi and em). We admit our shortcomings because these hardships make us more prepared and informed. It also shows that we need your help.

As always if you have a skill or talent, please contact us. Anything can be used, from Googling skills, you’re good at Facebooking, you’re an accountant. Almost anything. Of course, we always need small donations to help fund these girls' educations and our mentoring services.

Thank you for your support of Bacochiem. Remember, a girl’s worth has no price.